As promised, I’m going to talk about Craigslist, aka the absolute fucking nadir of online dating. Before I do that, though, I want to reply publicly to a comment my first post on this blog received.
See, when I wrote my first post, I was coming from the perspective of the dumpee. Not the dumper, not the player, and not the dickbag. I know there are women out there who play a straight game and just want someone who’s reasonably good in bed, somewhat mentally and financially stable and who has a cooking repertoire that isn’t limited to “Nuke. Eat. Toss.” There really are good guys out there, just like there are good women. I wasn’t talking to you good women and I wasn’t talking from the douchebag side of the aisle. I was talking specifically to you trifling-ass, game-playing broads who think it’s real cute and funny to give some poor jack-off juuuuust enough time and attention to keep him interested, only to push him away when it suits you. (Oh: And take some extra bitch points if you’re talking shit on him on social media at the same time you’re playing him for all he’s worth.)
Anyway, we good? We good. Okay, then. On with the show.
Let me tell you about Craigslist. And ladies, you might want to take some notes too, because I’m given to understand this happens to y’all as well.
You want to buy a couch or snag something for free, CL is a fairly handy place to know about. You can even pick up some less savory things, such as, erm, hookers. And those sometimes even come with a side of STIs. Just a little something to think about. But then, I’m sure not every person who posts an ad looking for sex or love is as pure as the driven snow either.
With that said, CL is absolutely abysmal as a resource for meeting someone or even getting laid. There are so many factors stacked against you it defies calculation, let alone belief. You’re better off saving up your pennies and going to the local bar, where at least you have a running shot of getting laid and a certainty you can walk out with a decent buzz. But if you’re really, really, REALLY desperate, I’m not going to hate on you. Just saying you should probably avoid it if you have any redeeming qualities whatsoever.
Like, say, a pulse and/or bladder and bowel control.
How it works
I hate fake shit. The only thing that will shrink my erection faster than breast implants (or, honestly, implants of any kind) are the words “I’m pregnant and I think you’re the daddy!” I don’t do fake people, fake food, or cheap knockoff imitations. So you can imagine my disgust when I realized about 98% of the women posting on CL are fakes, shills, and con artists.
They want to sell you something, usually by talking lonely guys into coughing up their credit card information for some bogus “dating verification site.” The next thing you know, you’ve got $100 or more in charges you didn’t think you authorized because you didn’t read the terms and conditions carefully (okay, okay: at all) and clicked the button that said “Please make me take out a fucking mortgage just for a chance to get a sniff!”
Spoiler: The second you email “her” (because to be completely fair it might not be a her at all) and say you’re on, you can expect to never hear back again. She got hers, and you got well and truly fucked. Have fun spending the next three days untangling the mess you just made of your finances in three seconds without explaining exactly how you wound up in said mess to begin with.
What to look for
Luckily there are some dead giveaways to help you spot a fake.
1. Ads without a clearly noted location.
This accounts for, as best I can figure, about 85% of all fake ads. Doesn’t mean the ads that do have clearly noted locations are completely legit, but they tend to be slightly or significantly better in terms of literary quality.
2. “I want you NOW!”
Fake ads are written to imply this woman’s hot, willing and ready right NOW! You’ll see things like, “Letme rap my leggs around u n shove ur big cock inside my tite lil pussy!” (Yes, the grammar and spelling really, truly DO get that bad. I hurt my brain a little writing that.) If you’ve recently been lobotomized, you may not notice, but if you still have all your faculties, take three seconds and ask if you’re really willing to stick your dick in someone who can’t figure out the complex function of a, hmm, well, ya know, A FUCKING DICTIONARY??? If you are, I can’t blame you…but I reserve the right to point and laugh at you mercilessly. They’re called standards, folks. Getcha some.
3. The pic doesn’t look quite right.
You know those alleged “selfies” that feature a girl wearing a whole lot of nothing much aiming her phone at a mirror, but the angle’s just a little off? This should be a giant red flag emblazoned with a radiation symbol. You’ll usually see these in the email after you respond. When you get one of those, I’ll bet you a month’s salary someone else took that pic.
4. The language isn’t quite right.
Okay, I get that texting is ruining the English language as we know and understand it. I also know the public school system ain’t what it used to be when I was coming up. However, if you simply must answer a particular ad because she says she just adores the feeling of having man-gravy shot all over her face while her cat licks Nutella from her nipples, read the email carefully. If it sounds like it was written by a machine or someone with a third-grade education who’s had a medium-grade stroke, it’s probably fake or “spun” content, which is easy to spot because of all the grammatical oddities that crop up. At the very least it was probably written by someone who has no understanding of the function of condoms and is going to have to rely on you to figure out where your junk goes. This is where that fake selfie will most likely show up.
5. “If I’m going to let you into my life, I need to know you’re not a psycho.”
Here’s the scam I talked about earlier in all its ugly glory. She may be well-spoken and give you the impression she spent some actual time on her email. But then comes the “dating verification.” If you’re at all skeptical about the link (and you should be, because you have more than two firing brain cells and are not ruled by your glands) Google it. I can just about guarantee any link you see takes you to a premium dating site that you’ll pay through the nose for. Kinda defeats the purpose of looking for free poon on CL, don’t it?
Him: “We can meet for coffee, you know.”
(Long, silent pause…)
Her: “…Look. Just put in your credit card so I can get on the next 16 loners with boners I have to scam today to make my quota, ‘kay?”
In these cases, I have a stock reply I send. (Yes, I made a template specifically for dealing with spammers. If they can do it, so can I.) The reply reads:
You’re very pretty and I’d like to get to know you better, but I do not under any circumstances give out my credit card information to businesses I don’t know anything about. If you’d like to call me and/or meet in a public place our first time, that’s fine. If that’s a deal breaker, I understand. However, if you insist on pressing the “dating verification” issue, I’m going to assume you are a spammer and report you accordingly. (Pro tip: This doesn’t do any good, as far as I can tell, but at least it usually makes whoever’s on the other end think twice about how hard they want to push the issue.)
It sounds like Shakespeare, but it FEELS like THIS!
6. Recurring email addresses and pics
If you do this often enough, you’ll notice recurring email addresses and…hey, that pic looks really, really familiar, too… One I found that showed up with disturbing regularity was “80s musakrocks @ gmail.com.” If you keep seeing the same email addresses over and over again in response to ads from women of 16 different alleged ethnicities, backgrounds and ages, guess what? You’re getting spammed.
This doesn’t mean all the ads on CL are fake by any means, or that there’s exactly zero chance of meeting someone for a hookup or something longer-term. However, consider CL as a last desperate resort to not have to spend Saturday night alone and put in a little work during the week to make that happen. Better still, post your own ad and wait for them to come to you. You’re still going to get spammed, but you’ll get a lot less of it and it makes it a lot more likely that a decent weekend date can find you.
Next time: How to write a dating site ad that gives you a decent chance of finding someone real in 7 easy steps!
*Yes. I know it’s misspelled. That was the joke…
Ravings Of A Lonely Utah Man 